Happy Birthday George..

Though the days continue to go by, not many moments during them do I not think of Roger. I still live in the same space, without Roger and Babygirl both. Though most things are moved around inside, I’ve deliberately left things exactly where Roger placed them.
I noticed that he kept every single card that we exchanged over our 16 years, even in the envelope I’d placed them in. All kept well in a few cedar lined drawers. There, are all the birthdays, anniversaries, and many times no reason at all. He loved cards, and took much time and thought into each one. All the birthday cards from Jenn, Stephanie, his parents, Sarah, even Mrs Cee, the building cleaning lady. I read them at times and sit to cry while doing.
The sadness never goes away. I cherish our last days together and how his eyes would light up every time I walked into his room at the hospital.
He’d want us all to be happy and to have moved on by now surely..but he didn’t know the major impact and footprint of love that he left with us all was so great that it’s just not that simple a task.
I do understand now that in his condition, he likely didn’t want to keep the party going, and that’s ok.
What I’ve learned most from losing my George is that you have to totally be ok with whatever way things happen in Gods will, good and bad…it all will be well his father would say. God knows my beginning and end, before my beginning.
While Roger was at Emory, I remember calling my job to give the HR boss a daily update on him. Things weren’t going well, and I’d told her I’d just left there to come take Babygirl outside, and head back over to see what I could do. She then stopped me and said wait a minute Antonio.. you have to understand that no matter what’s going on, there’s nothing you can do. In gods will, whether he decides to keep Roger alive, or bring him home to him, you have to be okay with Gods decision either way. After that call, not only did I change from my eternal optimistic mind frame that he’d be coming back home. But that I could very well lose him there.
Since hes went away, I’ve found strength and power in that after such a loss, it doesn’t matter whether friends or family sticks around or not, and that you have to be okay with either route. Unlike losing Roger, I walk prepared for either way, but this time totally willing, happy to execute life on both outcomes. That’s what he wanted me to gain from his loss, and it’s given me freedom to move forward with or without.
So with tears I encourage us all to look back all the quirky funny posts Roger did over the years and celebrate the cool, awesome life he lived. I never dreamed of losing both him and Babygirl in the same year, but she wanted to be with her daddy, the treat machine. Happy Birthday George Roger Jennings Jr!
I do love you so..