HGTV has taught me…..
1. Home renos WILL lead to arguments.
2. And possibly divorce.
3. Or, at least, some of those couples should definitely break up…
4. Basically, happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (h/t Leo Tolstoy)
5. Countertops can only be made from two materials: granite or marble.
6. Counter space is ESSENTIAL, even if you know you don’t ever cook.
7. And you better banish the thought of renovating a kitchen without adding an island.
8. The larger your kitchen cabinets are, the better a person you are. It’s a fact.
9. There are no two people in the world who can successfully share a bathroom in the morning.
10. Literally, EVERY time two people attempt to gather over one sink, the world threatens to implode.
11. If only every bathroom had double sinks, world peace would be achievable.
12. Showers that can fit multiple people are totally necessary.
13. Even though no one will acknowledge the only situation in which that would even matter.
14. Sex. I mean sex.
15. Although, again — some of these couples are clearly not ~getting it on~.
16. No matter your budget, the only option is to renovate a fixer-upper.
17. No matter your budget, there is a 0% chance that it will cover everything you hope to do.
18. Computerized renderings of interior design are way more exciting than they should be.
19. Carpet is the devil.
20. Hardwood floors are an angel sent from heaven to rectify our sins.
21. Tile floors are kind of in between, like the purgatory of flooring options.
22. The only word that can be used to describe floors is “flowing,” as in “Let’s install some beautiful hardwoods flowing throughout the open-concept first floor.”
23. Any time there is more than one person working on something at once, there will be heavy sexual tension between those people.
24. Literally, no matter who the people are, it will be there.
25. To specify: Love It or List It is actually not a show about home renovation, but is the slowly developing tale of the greatest love story of all between Hilary and David.
26. And you know what, Hilary and lead contractor Eddie have some chemistry going on as well.
27. No one in the world is able to monitor their children successfully without an open-concept floor plan.
28. For real, before the idea of the open concept took hold, 99% of children died due to their parents being unable to care for them properly.
29. Knob and tube electrical wiring is the worst atrocity that has ever occurred.
30. Structural changes are actually wicked expensive.
31. And apparently no one has ever built a home up to code unless the process was televised.
32. Essentially, your home is probably a death trap just waiting for you to fall prey to its merciless, murderous ways.
33. YOUR PLUMBING CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
34. If you don’t have a patio outside, it is impossible to enjoy your backyard.
35. Only men are able to mow the lawn. It’s just science.
36. Only women have enough clothing to fill an entire closet. Again, science.
37. If a home doesn’t have an entire room to do laundry in, you might as well just smear mud on all of your clothing and wear it like that.
38. And having laundry in the basement is perhaps worse than having no laundry room at all.
39. Unfinished basements are where the ghosts live, you know?
40. Every single person in the world needs a home office.
41. And also a guest bedroom.
42. But those two rooms may NEVER be one and the same.
43. The wooden framing that’s used to create walls is sometimes blue, and that’s actually pretty damn cool.
44. That foam insulation that you spray on seems like it would make a fun toy.
45. You have a previously undiscovered desire to take a sledgehammer and just pound it against whatever surfaces you can find.
46. You have a previously undiscovered desire to simply watch the Property Brothers take a sledgehammer to whatever surfaces they can find.
47. No one likes both Property Brothers equally. Even their parents definitely have a favorite.
48. At least once during every home renovation, one of the homeowners must express dismay over the designer’s choice of wall color.
49. Because, as we all know, wall color is an irreversible decision.
50. Children are able to vanish into thin air during the entire renovation period and then return once the renovation is over.
51. And no one will question where the children have been this entire time.
52. You physically can’t watch a home renovation show without spending the entire time planning out your own imaginary reno that will likely never happen.